Wedding gift dilemma

[Sabeine]

My ex-boyfriend is getting married. Him and I are still great friends. Anders and I have been invited to the wedding but are unable to attend since the wedding is in October and we had already planned to go to the US for the holidays this year. We cannot afford two US trips for the both of us in the same year.

My dilemma is what to get them for a gift. They have mostly registered at Tiffany & Company and there is nothing on that registry that we can afford. All the lesser expensive items have been purchased.

I called him to ask if there was another store that they had registered at and he said yes and told me it was Neiman Marcus. I do understand that they have expensive taste but how in the world can I/we afford this? I don't want to appear cheap. I would like to send a nice gift that will show how glad I am for them without breaking my pocketbook. Does anyone have an idea? To be fair he did tell me that I didn't have to buy them anything. He was very cool about it and told me that both of them thought registering at these places was too expensive for the guests. Supposedly it was her mother that insisted on it. ha ha, mother's meddling.
Still we are good friends, I have to send them something!

I should give a background... Him and I dated for 4 years that began when I was 16 and he was 18. He then moved from CA to FL after he finished college and we broke up. We have remained good friends since so much so that he has met most of my past boyfriends and even met Anders when we were there this past February. He is a dear friend, one of my best in fact.

He and his fiancé will be having a religious ceremony. Both of them are Jewish so it will be a traditional Jewish ceremony complete with a chuppah (the canopy that that they will marry under.) I really wish that I could be there but I cannot. What is an appropriate gift to give? Is there something that is traditionally Jewish to give at the wedding? He is not religious at all and probably could care less, but I have a feeling that his fiancé is since she (or maybe it was her mother) wanted a religious ceremony. I really want to give a gift that would please both of them. I just can't afford any of items that they registered for.

Any suggestions?

[Carolyn]

Go to Duka or a similar place. They not only have lovely small pieces of Swedish crystal, but a lot of the ones in teh larger towns can pack it and ship it as well. Just because it's not on a list at Tiffany's or Neiman doesn't mean it's not buyable. they also often have a sales section, with "last year's models" of crystal.

I think since you're living in Sweden, and since Sweden is also world famous for its incredibly fine, well-designed crystal, that wuold be a great gift.

[Cake Guru]

Like Carolyn said, just because they're registered at a place does not mean you have to purchase a gift there. Wedding gifts are optional.

Find something nice here in Sweden. Maybe a nice big coffee-table book about Sweden (are there such things?... SWeden is so bad at marketing herself....), or a usable piece of crystal ( NOT *konstglas*). maybe a nice dish or something.

[Carolyn]

I've taken as gifts the nice Orreförs tea light holders, like Snowball and Hallon, and they are not only relatively small, but also relatively unbreakable. Matter of fact, Anders took a couple in his luggage and had to be searched, because the high lead content registered going through the x-ray, hehehe. They thought he was carrying hand grenades or something.

[Brandy]

I agree, swedish crystal is very affordable and a great gift. Are they interested in art or have a great hobby that you can get one of those really nice coffee table books for their formal living room? You know one of those books that are just pictures and great conversation pieces.

It sounds like they have the lifestyle of having a formal living room.

I think the cheapest things at Tiffany's are about $400!

[Natooke]

Ahhhhhhhh the Kindom of Crystal ;D

Målerås & Mats Jonasson has come out with a nice flower pieces.
www.matsjonasson.com/engindexhtml.htm
We've have sent alot of his stuff ... It's affordable & easy to ship.

I second the Hallon & Snowballs ;D Their just Exquisite. When I sent my sister in-law the Hallon holders for her 50th ... I just explained to the clerk at Duka it's going overseas, so she kindly wrapped them in some foam.

[Sabeine]

Thanks for the suggestions!

Swedish crystal it is. I just thought that when a couple registers it is because those are the items that they want and not a lot of "odd" gifts.

When my sister married she registered at two places Crate & Barrel and Macy's she had a wide range of affordable items and still many guests gave her weird off beat items that can't really be used. I don't want to make this mistake with Greg and Suzy.

Last question, when should I send the gift? I know that it is supposed to arrive before the wedding ceremony but how long before? Their wedding is on Oct 30th. I made a joke to him and asked if Halloween was all booked up, I mean why Oct 30th? He laughed and thought it was funny apparently that was the first day they met so they wanted it to be the day they married. Awwww....

[Carolyn]

Yes, but candle holders aren't odd gifts, they are very usable, as well as being gorgeous crystal. And if they're shopping at Tiffany's, they're using crystal.

[Sabeine]

Any ideas on the proper etiquette of when the gift should be sent? Since we won't be able to attend I figure that we need to send it before the wedding. Isn't it proper to send the gift before the ceremony even if one is going to attend? At least in the States I was told this is the case. I think here in Sweden it is different.

I had thought to send the gift to my sister and have her bring it to the wedding since she and her husband are going. She is also good friends with him.

Should I send it to my sister and have her bring it, or send it to Greg and Suzy a few weeks before the ceremony?

[Brandy]

Sabeine, Emily Post's book of Etiquette says that gifts should be delivered to the bride's house the day before the wedding. They may be sent directly from the store where they were purchased. Those sent by mail or from a store are addressed in the bride's maiden name. When gifts are sent after they should be addressed to Mr. and Mrs. "Newlywed", at their new address or in care of the bride's mother.

Guess that's where meddling mother-in-law comes in?

So really you can do either. If it is easier to send it or take it with you and deliver it in person, you can decide. You'll be there for the holidays, so it doesn't seem too late to me to bring it with you. Maybe you won't have time and it'll be nice to have it done and not fear forgetting the gift in Sweden.

Duka will send it international for you and wrap it well too.

[Sabeine]

Thank you for the great advice.

Brandy,

I guess I could bring it with me when we go for the holidays but on the other hand I would most likely forget it and feel terrible, so it looks like I'll be sending it.

The funny thing is Anders and I will be spending Christmas with my sister, her husband and their kids in Houston, TX this year. Greg and Suzy will also be there at that same time because one of Suzy's good friends lives in Houston, so they extended their trip. It will be my sister, her husband, their two boys, Anders, myself, Greg and Suzy for Christmas. I am really looking forward to it!

My sister's two boys are so excited. They call Greg "Uncle Greg", they adore him. I guess it helps that he always brings them sports memorabilia. He works as an associate producer for CBS Sports (Sportsline). So of course he gets all kinds of goodies that he will give to my nephews. What a greedy pair those boys are! I am chopped liver compared to Greg!

Greg is the Godfather to my sister's oldest son, Brennan. Greg was there with me the day my sister gave birth to Brennan. I was in the delivery room with my sister's husband holding my sister's hands. Just after Brennan was born I stepped out into the hall and there were my parents, as well as my sister's husbands parents, and per my sister's request I asked Greg to come into the room. My sister asked Greg to be Brennan's Godfather and I was to be his Godmother. Greg asked if that was allowed in cross religions. My sister said that she didn't care about the religious "differences" us being Lutheran, and Greg being Jewish, she said that it wasn't important to her. She wanted someone honest, decent, caring and responsible to care for her child should something happen to her or her husband. Greg was the perfect choice. He said "yes" and (thankfully) our liberal Lutheran Minister allowed it and baptised Brennan and Greg is his Godfather. There are many that would not have performed the baptism but in CA there are also many liberal Ministers that realize that it is the commitment (and religion aside) that matters the most.

thank goodness for that.

[Cake Guru]

*When gifts are sent after they should be addressed to Mr. and Mrs. "Newlywed", at their new address or in care of the bride's mother.*


Hmmmm what does Emily post have to say about women who keep their own last names?? Maybe in her world women always give in and change their names.

[Brandy]

Emily Post's Book of Etiquette was first published in 1922. I got a kick out of that statement, too and just had to share it. As well as the gifts having to go to the bride's house. Actually meaning where Mom and Dad live, as she would not be living on her own, not be married and all. Of course the ones being sent after going to a NEW address, or get the bride's mother involved yet again.

I do like my book though. It is a great guideline, with some updates for the 1984 edition. Such as living together before, unwed mothers, pregnant brides - not that it didn't happen back then, but I don't think there was any etiquette required for such heathens.

Although, I guess, roaring twenties, they weren't considered heathens anymore! It had become common ground by then.

[Sabeine]

Hi,

I wanted to update. I went with crystal and bought them a pair of Orrefors candlesticks. They are not discontinued they are still being sold today at places like Macy's but I found a website online that was going out of business so I was able to buy them for nearly half price. The candlesticks were sent to my sister where she will wrap them and enclose the card that I am sending to her, then mail them to Greg and Suzy.

I think they will like them. They're elegant yet tasteful and not gaudy.

[Debbie]

and the website is?