I want to be positive

[Sabeine]

My mother is still pretty much the same. My father went and visited her again two days ago (they are divorced) upon my request, and he said that he wasn't sure if she knew who he was. They were married for 34 years! She had a glassy eyed stare, the same as when I was there this past Jan/Feb. She has been in the hospital since Jan 17th. I want to be positive, but I am getting weary. She doesn't seem to be any more aware than when I was there. I am beginning to lose hope. Her brain activity is very little, and she shows no real signs of knowing who she is, or who her loved ones are. None of the surgeons or nurses know what to expect next. Only time will tell, and none of them know how long that will be. I have become very scared and depressed. I think of the last conversation that my mom and I had, when she begged me to talk with her longer on the phone, but I didn't have the time cause I had to leave for work. She was very depressed and wanted to talk, but I didn't have the time. I told her that I would talk to her later, but didn't. I thought of calling her when I got home that night, but I didn't. I made dinner, and we watched tv. Other things seemed more important than calling my mother. I didn't call her for a week, cause I felt so uncomfortable doing this. Those of you here might know that she is an alcholoholic. She often calls me crying and drunk telling me that her life is over. I never was sure anymore when her threats or crying was serious and when it was "crying wolf". Anders told me to call her, but I didn't. Instead I got a phone call that she had severely brain hemorraging, followed that same night by a stroke. I was in CA upon hearing the news for 3 weeks. Nothing much changed while I was there. She now cannot talk, move the right side of her body, walk, or eat unassisted. The week before she was living alone, and driving her car. I know I couldn't have done anything to prevent this, but I still feel like the lowest form on earth. It is times like these that I start to feel like an awful daughter. She was trying to reach out to me, but I turned her down. I feel so bad that I am here, and she is there. I know there isn't much I could do, I still feel awful having left her. Maybe I should take a hiatus from here. I am beginning to feel that I am posting sad comments, and dragging people down. The whole point of this website was for POSITIVE things. I have begun to feel that I can't be so positive anymore. There is so much more to my mom's story than I am willing to share, so many feelings on my and my twin sisters behalf. I realize that compared to people who have had real problems in life, mine are paltry. I know this. I have met people with stories to make the stoniest of men break. So therefore, I need to bow out of here for a while, before I start to sound like a real whiner.
I don't expect answers to my problems, I just wanted to share. I love this site, I just feel that I can't be positive as I should be right now. I really never meant to sound like a downer, this is/was my answer to therapy, it beats paying for a shrink.

[Carolyn]

My dear friend, I hope you haven't already bowed out, but if you have, I'm going to write to you personally anyway.

The whole intention of the POSITIVE side of this site was to prevent excessive whining about Sweden, our new lives here and how they sucked. If you will remember, this was due to excessive problems on Amerikanska at the time we were all trying to move here and how it was bringing us down. We were trying to create something that would help us survive here and make good lives here, not be continually looking back, mostly for things that didn't really exist in the States in the first place.

When one has a REAL problem, like you do, not some petty complaint about not getting the right brand of shampoo or something, then we're here for you. And what you're going through is not whining, but a real nasty slice of life right now, and you can't be expected to do this on your own. Hopefully, most of us here have become REAL friends in one way or another. We're here for you, girlfriend, here to listen, and not only to you, but to anybody else that is having major LIFE problems, not just problems with Sweden.

As soon as I belt down those first couple of cups of Zoegas, I'll get to a point where I am awake enough to get to my e-mail and write to you too.

Hang in there.

[Debbie]

I second Carolyn!

[Brandy]

Sabeine,

Don't think about what you didn't do the last time you spoke to your Mom or what you didn't do immediately after. Think about all the things you did right in the past. If in the past you have told your Mom at least one time, "I love you" then she knows. If you told her you couldn't talk right then, then it doesn't matter the reasons! You are allowed to say and feel, "I don't have the energy to deal with this right now!" How were you to know what was coming?!


You know you love your Mom, and before this happened, your Mom knew that, too. She knew when you guys hung up. It's the game of guilt alcoholics play. She knows the truth. The truth is that you love your mother dearly, despite the instability she gave you growing up. We are all human and don't have the energy all of the time to deal with the games. Don't beat yourself up because you were in one of those state of minds. Be proud that you gave her the support you did when you could.

My mother is a functional alcoholic. I can't tell you how difficult it was, but I think you know and understand without the details.

It's stressful and exhausting, but it's also made you who you are today, whatever roll that may be. Don't klander yourself over something you can't change, and you could not and can not change the fact that your mother was an alcoholic. It was there and it was stressful and you just needed a break from the games. That is perfectly acceptable!

Know that she knows you love her dearly.

I think when she asked for you that last time, it was to say, I know you couldn't talk, and I love you, too.