Customs for death/funerals

[Aussie]

A good Swedish friend's mother died over the weekend. We know our friend very well and have met his mother a couple of times but I'm at a bit of a loss about what is appropriate as far as offering condolences, attending the funeral etc.

Have any of you had experience with this in Sweden? Is there a protocol I need to observe. I'd know exactly what to do in Australia, but not here and I don't want to offend them by being seen as too familiar or too remote.

Should I send a condolence card or is that not done?
Is a personal note better?
Do I go and see my friend to offer condolence?
Does one send flowers in Sweden?
Is the funeral for family or can others go?
What about the coffee afterwards? Would that be for his mum's friends mostly or would it be appropriate for me to go.

I'm feeling a bit lost. Any clues would be greatly appreciated.

[Brandy]

Gosh, great questions. I have no idea but wonder if that info can be found on a website or in a book?

I have a book that describes all sorts of different situations for different religions. I wonder if there is a similar one made for SFI about swedes.

[Natooke]

Sorry to hear about your friend's loss.

condolence card is appropriate adding a personal note in the card would (of course) help sort this person's feelings.... just knowing a friend cares enough to take the time to do so ... is appropriate.

Do I go and see my friend to offer condolence?

That's a hard one. Do thou make a point of visiting him/her ... they may just need you to talk too & reflect ... if only for a short time. My friend (swedish) talked about when her father passed , many ppl. ignored her or couldn't look her in the eye ... for her the simple hug & condolences would of made a world of good.

Does one send flowers in Sweden?

What I've seen here is ... One sends the flowers to the family of the day of the funeral, assuming this is a Lutheran service held at church. You can arrange for the flowers from your local flower shop.

quote]What about the coffee afterwards?[[/quote]
Again assuming, this will be a service through the Swedish Church, the församlingshem (rectory) will require you to phone to add yourself/s to the list.
However usually (I've worked for our local church) the family members, friends of the deceased have only attended ... there for your friend wouldn't assume that you should attend.

I hope this helps

[Sabeine]

You could always ask her when they had planned to have the funeral she might then ask you to come?

One difference at funerals here versus one's I have been to in the US or Canada, there are no eulogies. The pastor will talk about the person, about life and death, and then everyone that is attending the funeral will file forward one by one and lay a flower on the casket. This always starts with immediate family and they will be seated in the front right rows (the right as one enters the church). If you attend the funeral you will need to bring a flower. The most common is a red rose although others colors and flowers are popular now. One should not bring an arrangement to lay. Just one flower. You can have an arrangement sent to the church beforehand. After the service is over everyone will most likely go into the church hall where coffee and cookies, cake will be served. This is when the family will thank everyone for coming, and at this time people can say something about the deceased should they choose to do so.

It is also tradition (though this is changing) for the men in the family to wear white ties with a black or dark suit. For friends of the deceased it is not appropriate to wear a white tie, just a dark or black one for them. For the women dark clothing is the norm.

I have been to far too many funerals here in Sweden.

[Aussie]

Brandy,

I haven't seen anything in booklets or on the web about what to do in this situation. I took a good look around first, then thought I'd ask here as a few people have been in Sweden a while and might know what the customs are. You are right, it would be useful information to know.

Natooke and Sabeine, thankyou to both of you for taking the time to answer. Each culture has it's own particular way of handling death and I really didn't want to make waves unnecessarily.

In Australia we would go visit the family (in fact it would seem rude not to do so), but I sort of doubted that would be expected here as Swedes are a little more private about keeping family and friends separate. As it is, we live in a smallish place and see each other in town several times a week, so I'll be sure to talk to them about it when I see them. I know what your friend means, Natooke, when she felt a bit "ignored" - people feel helpless and don't want to intrude but sometimes as you say a simple hug or a few words can mean a lot.

The funeral is taking place on the 28th at the local church. I did see that printed in Nynäshamns Posten today. And as you pointed out, the coffee after is in the församlingshem and Fonus have asked people to ring if they are coming. The family has requested a donation to the Heart/Lung Foundation instead of flowers, so we can fix that at the church.

Sabeine, thankyou for letting me know about bringing a flower with me. Back home, these are provided by the funeral directors, so I would have been empty handed

Sorry that you have had to attend so many funerals here in Sweden. This is my first, but certainly it won't be the last.

Thankyou again for the quck response and fantastic information. It's taken a load off my mind.

[Natooke]

Sabeine
I had forgotten about buying a rose for the service.

I have been debating about adding this like here. Since death is a hard subject for many ... I feel this link is done tastefully ... however don't enter if you feel you just can't. It may cover some questions you have here in Sweden.

Death is a part of life
members.chello.se/harryperonius/dod/death.html

[Brandy]

Natooke,

What a great site! Thank you!

This has been a very informative thread.

[Aussie]

Natooke,

I second what Brandy said. It was really interesting to read and a very informative site.

Thankyou so much for posting that link. It's one of those useful bits of information that is good to know about. I think some links like that should go on the new PS site.

Thankyou to everyone who has responded here. I know this is a difficult topic for many to think of and talk about, but it's a situation that we will more than likely face at some time in Sweden. It's really good to know the customs here.

Natooke, I've seen my friend Ulf and given verbal condolences. You are right - people are feeling awkward about it and avoiding looking at him. He seemed relieved that we didn't shy away from the subject and he spoke for a long time about his mother's increasing problems and the sadness the family felt watching her dementia take hold. With my husband's ailing mother being elderly, frail and forgetful, we knew what he meant.

[Sandy]

I've been to 3 funerals in Sweden, my father-in-law (July 2000), a good friend (January 2004) and the daughter of a good friend who I have had a fair amount of contact with earlier in the year (July 2004).

We were in the States when my FIL died. He'd been sick for many years and we had visited him before we went on our trip. We didn't experience any of the pre-funeral stuff since my MIL insisted we finish our trip. They waited on the funeral until we returned.

Our friend died of cancer in January. She had not been feeling well for some time and in Sept. 2003 was finally diagnosed. They told her that she'd probably had it for years. We did our visiting before she died (they live an hour away). She was glad that we came, welcomed it, in fact, because she knew that we wouldn't sit around crying, that it would be pleasant conversation. She also called on several occasions to talk to my husband because they'd been around when he lost his first wife to cancer in 1996. We attended the funeral and have been back to visit Mats (and he's come here, too) since.

One of my better friend's here lost her 16 year old daughter in a car accident (the bf hit a moose) at the beginning of July. I was leaving that day for a two week vacation, so I immediately went over to see her. I didn't think about it very long, I just went. The kids were just sitting around crying, stunned. The 9 year old brother wanted to go play with his friend. Dad was looking for comforting music to play, and my friend was on the phone when I arrived. I just waited until she was done and wrapped my arms around her. We cried and talked briefly. I expressed my sympathies, told her that I had a pretty good idea what she might be feeling, even though it's not the same as losing a child, I'd lost my brother in a car accident when he was 17 years old. The funeral was 2 days after I returned from my vacation. They had a burial (cremation is much more common, so my husband tells me) and we put roses on the casket at the graveside. I didn't stay for the coffee afterwards, but I did track her down to give her a living miniature rose bush. She has said a couple of times that she was so glad that I stopped by when I heard about the accident, that she knew who were her real friends, those that she really had a connection with by who came by or contacted them after the accident.